3:39pm

My comp says its 3:39pm haha which is really entertaining to me, because neither where I reside at the moment nor in my home is it 3:39pm. Oh well.
So im sitting here today thinking, when you are far far away from your friends, and far far away from your nieces, and work, and school, and community, and put in a place with a lot less noise. (Noise being the things listed above) you have a lot more room in your brain to think. I think a lot here. I think about the stars, and how they got there, and what other planets look like. I think about why God choose to use really broken people to be a part of his perfect plan. I think about why bad things happen to good people, and why little events lead to big realities. I think about why it took me flying across the ocean to realize that I have a lot of work to be doing in Columbus Ohio, and why it took me years to discover things some people realize in a day. I think about children and how amazing they are. I think about my nieces each of them individually and how they are wired so special, and how on different days I want to be doing different things with different ones. And how life isn’t fair all the time, but its good. And how if you fight really hard for your marriage, during the really hard years, that it winds up so much better then you could fathom. And how when you raise your kids proper they are still going to curse behind your back, and how at the end of the day most people are just plain selfish. And how I want to travel the world, but want someone to share it with. And how my dreams from when I was a child are just as far fetched as my dreams now. And how in America we tell people we love them all the time, just casually and how in the Netherlands when they tell you that they really mean it. And how I have great amazing friends at home that I wish I could hold on to really close and never ever let them go. And how the truth is we will probably all end up all over the world! I think about mountains and volcanoes and why the tall Dutch people are not better at basketball and why on earth they are so good at soccer. And I wonder what it is about Dutch men that swoop in all the ladies. And I wonder if I will actually bike ride when I go home. I think about my parents returning to the states and what they will think about it. And about their friends visiting them and what has changed. I think about letting go and walking away, and if I make the right decision, and I think about not over thinking things. And I think at the end of today, just how happy I am to have a god that is so big and encompassing and a family that’s love knows no bounds, and friends that I cant imagine my life without. And love that I wonder where it came from. I think to myself AJ life is one big adventure and your just at the beginning…

its always been you

It’s a dark hour; and I see your face
I close my eyes to escape this chase
The whirlwind from which I have never been able to retreat
Its always been you, yourself and I; common defeat
I want to run far far away
Because staying has always been to my dismay
But here I am smile no frown
Never able to decipher up from down
I sit and watch because it’s all I can do
I’ve learned the hard way I can’t choose for you
The emotions I hold tight, so tight they cannot breathe
These emotions I wish I didn’t have because life would be easier on me
Ring locked to my finger like oxygen to my lungs
This isn’t even what I’m trying to say… the words I’m looking for unsung
Sometimes I picture life; what is the opposite of low?
It requires being able to withstand hearing yes; yet still saying no
I feel like I could scream, like it would break the pain
But my mouth is bound shut and instead I sit in vain
Cry tears of frustration and I hope one day we see
And better person for all of this… a better you, a better me